I write to you, my Republican comrades, with news of a great success in our War on Women.
Along every front, in each theater of battle, we are making great strides. While we have miles to go before we sleep, ultimate victory draws nearer each day, and rest assured we shall accept no terms but unconditional surrender.
But no war is without casualties, and so let us all take a moment to give thanks for Todd Akin, who selflessly sacrificed his hammerlock on a Senate seat in the recent #magicaluterus offensive. As MacArthur did in the Philippines, we must sometimes abandon our comrades to their fate in the service of the greater good, and as sorry as we will be to lose Akin, his feint successfully opened the door to a great strategic victory.
Sadly but inevitably, we have lost the element of surprise. Savvy Democrats are now alert to our War on Women, and have been attempting, with no small success I remind you, to rouse their fellow feminists, statists, and general malcontents to battle. Yet they were drawn by our brother-in-arms Akin into a counter-offensive likely to stretch their support lines to the breaking point and leave them isolated.
Already, the Akin feint has drawn out some of our less temperate adversaries. Senator Barbara Boxer publicly speculated about us "Maybe they don’t like their moms or their first wives." If we can encourage more such hyperbole, public faith in the judgement of women may collapse in time for football season. While Senator Boxer is distinctly unrepresentative of womankind, as the majority tend to think before speaking, one Boxer can drown out dozens of rational women in contemporary discourse.
We have now learned that the Democrats have rejiggered (mental note: ask Toure if "rejiggered" is racist) their convention speaking lineup to reflect an All-Harridans-All-The-Time strategy, putting forth people like Nancy Keenan of NARAL, Cecile Richards of Planned Parenthood, and harridan-without-portfolio Sandra Fluke.
When Americans are presented with such implacable extremists as the face of the Democratic party, they are likely to recoil as they have not done since our Gallipoli-like Pat Buchanan offensive of 1992, thus delivering the Presidency (and prospective Supreme Court nominations) to our comrade, Mitt Romney.
Now this is not the end (except for Todd Akin). It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning.
Onward to victory!